Checklist: Is the person next to me a zombie?

by . Originally posted

This is a little tongue-in-cheek prologue article for my new Zombie Survival series starting soon 🙂

Now if Hollywood has taught us anything, its some basic knowledge about surviving those pesky zombies. As Hollywood likes to assume everyone’s dumb they make everything in films really quite obvious, but real life isn’t like that. So how’d you know the guy in the cubicle next to you, or the women next to you on the train, isn’t in the first stages of becoming a zombie?

Here’s a few signs that you should keep an eye out for when you’re down the shops / at the next big game / in those dark cinemas / crossing those cemeteries during freak storms…

  • Their gait resembles someone who has had far too much to drink. Important to note they’re not flailing all over the place like a drunk trying to grab the moving scenery, but the way they shuffle their feet reflects their motor-neurons in their brain slowly turning to mush.
  • Inability to bleed. This has to be taken at face value, if the person has a cause to bleed and yet refuses to leak gooey red gunk all over your nice new beige carpet, its likely to be because they no longer require it to stay alive. However on the flip side, going round stabbing people with scissors for the office ‘routine zombie checkup’ may just end up with your blood on the carpet. Use caution.
  • The person has a rather funky odour, a wonderful mixture of scents made from the combination of body fluids, dried blood, decaying flesh and maybe even some gun-shot residue. Warning though, some people do legitimately work in these conditions; surgeons, butchers and sewage engineers to name a few.
  • They have the complexion of an over keen programmer who never sees the sun, that is, fairly pale or even bluey-greenie in tint. Their lack of flowing blood quickly gives them the death make-up. (As one of those programmers I’d advise people use this symptom sparingly please… pretty please…)
  • Their language skills have drastically declined from forming coherent sentences to a mixture of moaning and intangible grunting. Unable or unwilling to communicate, the zombies thankfully are also unable to coordinate attacks. It seems more and more people actually do converse in grunts, so be careful when using noting this as a symptom.
  • They seem to have a horrendously high pain threshold, or a blatant disregard for their missing limbs. This is a good indicator cos’ even those macho guys you know from work / gym / school will have trouble hiding their expressions while trying to walk on broken ankles or while missing a forearm.
  • Lets finish on a biggie. They appear, usually in pairs or triplets, bent over consuming the entire contents of the chest cavity of a person you recently chatted to. This should suddenly ring 3 bells in your zombie-prepared mind:
    1. Eating another person is unnatural. A good initial sign something is awry.
    2. There’s already a few possible zombies. Signs the infection/outbreak has been going on for a longer period of time. Symptoms may be noticed in a group of individuals.
    3. They’re consuming someone you just spook to; a.k.a they’re very close! Move away until you can either reasonably prove or disprove what the hell’s going on!

So there you go, if someone is fitting at least 3 of those conditions I’d seriously think about giving them a wide berth… or a double tap to the brain… whichever is easiest.

(PS: To be honest after compiling this list I’m surprised I ever made it through my teenage years )


The zombie survival series • No one likes a dehydrated zombie do they! • Like zombie films? Avoid this!!!


Categories: Zombie

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